[ The instant she hears her name, she's whirling around, forgetting to rub her eyes in the shock of seeing him-- and maybe she ought to feel worse that she's shocked at all, that she'd started to convince herself that he'd finally gotten sick of it and he wasn't going to bother showing up for someone who'd caused him so much trouble.
But there he is, his hair disheveled - had she woken him up? - and Mary stares for a good few seconds... before she does her best to force a smile (ignore the tears, they'll go away) and holds out one of the ice cream bars to him. ]
Y-you came, Roxas.
[ Her voice is so much smaller than what she would have liked it to be. ]
[it's a little hard to ignore the tears, mostly because he really doesn't know how to react to them. he's bad at this; he didn't know how to deal with his own tears when he cried, so he's even less prepared to deal with someone else's. especially not mary's... he doesn't want her to cry at all.]
Yeah, of course I did. I mean... you got your memories back, right? [he says this because this is much more like the mary he knows in every way. besides, it's the first text he's gotten from her since then, so it has to be.
he'll take the ice cream, but not yet do anything else. he's still too concerned with mary to focus on it yet.]
I would've came anyway, just... later. [he still waited in their spot every day, just in case. he likes being there anyway, so it wasn't like it was a hassle.]
[ ... He still came here. Had he been waiting for her, this whole time, hoping she'd remember? And the whole time, she'd been running around, desperate to learn who she was, what she was, what these people were supposed to mean to her--
Mary nods once, miserably, and blinks to clear away the thin sheen of tears across her vision. ]
I-it all just sort of hit me... there were people telling me to jump, and people who told me that I was a terrifying monster, I'd just forgotten... and people I worried, who tried to help me. Like you.
[ She sucks in a shuddering breath-- and releases it in a rushed-out wail, desperate to finally apologize. ]
I'm so sorry! I never wanted to forget the people who were important to me, a-and even if we're not best friends, you're still someone precious and-- I--!
[ It's becoming increasingly hard to talk through her sobbing. ]
Hey, it's okay. It wasn't your fault... I'm not mad about it or anything...
[he starts to try and say something that will help, but roxas realizes that he's not well equipped in any manner to actually bring comfort to someone that's crying.
he feels bad, and a bit helpless; what do people do when their friends cry? how can he actually help her right now? roxas draws in a quiet breath as his brows knit; he needs to do something more than just give her words that feel so empty compared to how heartfelt her apology is.
what would he do if he had a heart? what would a person with a heart do?
he doesn't know at all.
so all roxas can do is just... what feels right to him. he stars by taking one of her hands and squeezing it lightly. even this isn't the most familiar action, but if it can convey any sort of support, then at least it's a start.]
Something like that... it can't change that we're friends. Sorry that... I didn't really get to help you more with finding your memories, either. But you have them back now, and that's the most important part.
[ He's gotten better at calming her down, or maybe Mary's gotten better at stopping herself from crying herself into hysterics.
... No, he's gotten better at calming her down. It's still a few embarrassing moments of sniffling and coughing to try and clear the regrets from her throat, but when he squeezes her hand, she quiets. Her fingers are trembling-- still, she tries to squeeze back, acknowledgment. ]
I just... memories are all I have, of some people. [ People lost to her, forever. She swallows hard against the tightness in her throat and continues, somewhat thickly-- ] I made a promise to myself, that I'd never forget my friends. Everyone who means something... but then I did.
And I don't know how to keep them safe now. If I forget everything again... it's a really scary thing to think about. I think me forgetting them... must have hurt some people, too.
[he'll take what little he can get. it seems like... he's helping at least a little. he wishes he was better at this, but it's just so far out of his knowledge banks.
so he just keeps going with what he feels, and hopes it's enough.]
They'll all understand... you couldn't control it. You didn't know it was going to happen. None of your friends... they know you wouldn't forget them on purpose.
[maybe it hurt a little, but roxas himself had mostly been concerned with helping her get her memories back. it was scary to not have memories, roxas knows that.]
They probably wanted to help you too. They'll be happy... that you can remember them now.
[ She remembers - now that she can remember - how it had felt when Xion hadn't known who she was at all. How she'd experienced a baffling mixture of hurt and the need to reassure, because even if Xion didn't hold the same memories she did, she was still free from that terrifying place. She was safe.
There's truth in Roxas' words-- even if she didn't trust him completely, she's been on the other side of things. She hadn't blamed Xion at all.
(Xion also hadn't thrown herself into enclosures with dangerous alien lifeforms and flung herself off of buildings, that guilty part of her is quick to point out.) ]
I'll have to say sorry to them, too. I just thought, for this... [ She'd gesture around them, but one hand is still clutching Roxas' like a lifeline, and the other still has ice cream. ] I shouldn't keep you waiting anymore. You've done enough for me.
We're friends, Mary. I don't think there's such a thing as "too much" when it comes to helping friends. I know if I lost my memories, you'd do the same thing.
[he's just telling it like it is. roxas isn't concerned with apologies; he knows already what it's like to lose the memory of someone dear to him. when his memories of xion faded so suddenly, when he'd been watching as she returned to sora without even knowing who she was...
there was still something in him that felt the pain of losing her, there was still something there to remind him of what was important. and when those memories came back way too late, he felt awful for forgetting his best friend. so he knows all too well the way she has to feel. maybe it's even worse than what he felt, because she has the heart to truly feel with.]
I would. [ It's a very easy thing to admit. It was never a good feeling when something bad happened to your friends, and knowing there was a wealth of memories hidden somewhere inside of her that she hadn't been able to access... it had been frustrating, to say the least.
And scary. Just recalling that confusing, fathomless emptiness, and the brief glimpses of hurt on her friends' faces-- it's enough to make a shudder run down from her shoulders to the tips of her toes. No, she definitely doesn't want to relive that again. ]
I think I'd panic more than you did, though. And I'd never want you to have to... lose something like that, anyway. It really is as scary as losing somebody.
[ And she'd told him before, hadn't she? That losing people frightened her more than anything. ]
[he says those words quietly. he knows how scary it is; he knows how upset he was when those memories flooded back to him, and he knows how hard he's had to fight this whole time for those memories to not fade any further.
maybe cerealia's made him luck out in that it seems to negate the memories slipping further, and maybe it's partially because xion is here now, but it's not as if he can forget that drowning feeling of knowing there are important things to remember that he just... can't.
hasn't that been most of his existence anyway?]
I know what it's like... to lose someone. And I know what it's like not to remember them, either.
[ If her expression shows way too much surprise-- well, she is. She's pretty sure for the two months that she's known Roxas - and she'd met him when he'd first arrived, hadn't she? - that he hadn't ever seemed... forgetful. Or like he'd suddenly lost someone. But if he'd forgotten, maybe he wouldn't have felt the loss?
Or maybe this was something that had happened before?
Mary wants to ask, she really does, but their friendship hasn't come this far because they'd tried to pry into each other's lives. She meets his eyes uncertainly, but that's it. He can continue if he wants. If he doesn't... that's also fine. ]
Yeah. Some things happened back then... and I forgot someone important to me.
[it was a while ago now—or at least, it feels like that sometimes. over two months, and with how things go in cerealia, it's easy for it to feel like longer. but the pain of that time still sticks with him.
he elects not to say it's xion that he forgot. he's not ready to talk about that part yet, even if it comes up later in the conversation.]
[ She didn't want him to know what it was like, honestly. Sharing experiences and achieving an understanding with friends... that sort of thing was important, but knowing that Roxas had felt the same bewildered pain that she had felt? ]
I'm sorry. [ Maybe there was no point in saying that, but Mary truly feels an ache in her chest, like a more prolonged sting from how sharply she feels it. He shouldn't have had to feel that. And, almost like him, she's not entirely sure what would be a comforting gesture here. Tell him to eat his ice cream before it melted completely? Talk about it more?
She glances down at their hands, and squeezes his fingers, thumb passing over the back of his hand. Maybe it's just that, letting him know she's here too. ]
[and he is. xion's here now, and he does remember much of what he'd forgotten, so... it's okay. this shouldn't even be about him anyway, when mary was the one who was having such a hard time with things.
so he offers her a small smile.]
We both remember now, so... it's okay. For the both of us.
[he'll try too, because he really doesn't want mary to have to go through that again. after seeing her cry that way just a few minutes ago... he doesn't want to see anything happen that will make her react like that. it makes his chest hurt in a way he's not sure he'd ever be able to put into words.]
Yeah... I guess that's exactly what it's like. But it's over now so... try not to worry about it too much.
[he doesn't seem to mind, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze in return. it's the least he can do—maybe it's all he can do. but it seems like she needs it, so he won't make the motion to let go until she's ready.]
[ She might not be ready for a good few hours, if the ball's left in her court. But first, the ice cream she's finally remembering to eat, heaving a sigh that's much too large for something who is not so large at all. ]
... I don't think I remember how not to worry right now.
it's a rare occurrence for roxas to forget about ice cream when it's in his hands, but his concern for mary somehow completely trumped that. before he takes a bite from his, he reiterates a point he'd started to make before.]
You don't have to worry. Everyone will just be relieved you're back to yourself now... I'm sure of it.
[ Roxas... don't forget your ice cream, you're going to make Mary even more concerned. ]
I want to believe that. [ With every fiber of her being-- another bite, though. She's trying to eat it before it melts this time, at least, and she mumbles the next bit around the ice cream. ]
[he looks at her, puzzled as he pulls the ice cream away from his mouth. he doesn't know styx, or even who that is but... who could hate mary? like seriously, who could hate her?
... [ Give her a minute to finish this melting misery of an ice cream bar before she clears her throat and shifts, a bit uncomfortably. ]
He told me I was a medusa, and when I asked what that was, he said... a 'horrifying monster. A terrifying beast'.
And I... didn't know he thought that way about me.
[ It hurts much more now that she remembers never wanting to be a monster, the discrimination she'd faced, and that Styx had understood her, being different-- she'd thought. ]
[roxas tenses almost immediately—who would say something like that to her? mary struggled so much with the idea of being a monster, something she absolutely wasn't, medusa or not.
it makes him angry to think about. even if she couldn't remember at the time, even if it wasn't hurtful then... didn't this person think about how she'd feel when she remembered? who would want to be called those things. a horrifying monster? a terrifying beast?
There were so many years where I thought I was... I mean, that had to be the reason, right? That I couldn't go outside, that I lost my mother... that even if I didn't want to be--
[ But she was. Medusae were terrifying snake monsters, who could shatter a human with a single glance. Even Mary herself had been scared, hearing what her family could do, what she was capable of.
Her friends, both in her world and here, had accepted her, though. Even if she wasn't human. Even if they had seen what she could do. Even if she still wakes up, drenched in cold sweat and shivering out a scream, because there had been dead bodies at her feet and she had known it was because of what she was. It had been her fault.
The renewed burn behind her eyelids makes her lift her free hand, rubbing somewhat viciously at her eyes. No, she doesn't want to cry again. ]
... I j-just want to be Mary. To you, to everyone else. B-but if I tell him that, and he calls me a beast again, I...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
coexistent) wrote2015-07-03 05:05 pm
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But there he is, his hair disheveled - had she woken him up? - and Mary stares for a good few seconds... before she does her best to force a smile (ignore the tears, they'll go away) and holds out one of the ice cream bars to him. ]
Y-you came, Roxas.
[ Her voice is so much smaller than what she would have liked it to be. ]
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Yeah, of course I did. I mean... you got your memories back, right? [he says this because this is much more like the mary he knows in every way. besides, it's the first text he's gotten from her since then, so it has to be.
he'll take the ice cream, but not yet do anything else. he's still too concerned with mary to focus on it yet.]
I would've came anyway, just... later. [he still waited in their spot every day, just in case. he likes being there anyway, so it wasn't like it was a hassle.]
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Mary nods once, miserably, and blinks to clear away the thin sheen of tears across her vision. ]
I-it all just sort of hit me... there were people telling me to jump, and people who told me that I was a terrifying monster, I'd just forgotten... and people I worried, who tried to help me. Like you.
[ She sucks in a shuddering breath-- and releases it in a rushed-out wail, desperate to finally apologize. ]
I'm so sorry! I never wanted to forget the people who were important to me, a-and even if we're not best friends, you're still someone precious and-- I--!
[ It's becoming increasingly hard to talk through her sobbing. ]
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[he starts to try and say something that will help, but roxas realizes that he's not well equipped in any manner to actually bring comfort to someone that's crying.
he feels bad, and a bit helpless; what do people do when their friends cry? how can he actually help her right now? roxas draws in a quiet breath as his brows knit; he needs to do something more than just give her words that feel so empty compared to how heartfelt her apology is.
what would he do if he had a heart? what would a person with a heart do?
he doesn't know at all.
so all roxas can do is just... what feels right to him. he stars by taking one of her hands and squeezing it lightly. even this isn't the most familiar action, but if it can convey any sort of support, then at least it's a start.]
Something like that... it can't change that we're friends. Sorry that... I didn't really get to help you more with finding your memories, either. But you have them back now, and that's the most important part.
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... No, he's gotten better at calming her down. It's still a few embarrassing moments of sniffling and coughing to try and clear the regrets from her throat, but when he squeezes her hand, she quiets. Her fingers are trembling-- still, she tries to squeeze back, acknowledgment. ]
I just... memories are all I have, of some people. [ People lost to her, forever. She swallows hard against the tightness in her throat and continues, somewhat thickly-- ] I made a promise to myself, that I'd never forget my friends. Everyone who means something... but then I did.
And I don't know how to keep them safe now. If I forget everything again... it's a really scary thing to think about. I think me forgetting them... must have hurt some people, too.
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so he just keeps going with what he feels, and hopes it's enough.]
They'll all understand... you couldn't control it. You didn't know it was going to happen. None of your friends... they know you wouldn't forget them on purpose.
[maybe it hurt a little, but roxas himself had mostly been concerned with helping her get her memories back. it was scary to not have memories, roxas knows that.]
They probably wanted to help you too. They'll be happy... that you can remember them now.
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There's truth in Roxas' words-- even if she didn't trust him completely, she's been on the other side of things. She hadn't blamed Xion at all.
(Xion also hadn't thrown herself into enclosures with dangerous alien lifeforms and flung herself off of buildings, that guilty part of her is quick to point out.) ]
I'll have to say sorry to them, too. I just thought, for this... [ She'd gesture around them, but one hand is still clutching Roxas' like a lifeline, and the other still has ice cream. ] I shouldn't keep you waiting anymore. You've done enough for me.
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[he's just telling it like it is. roxas isn't concerned with apologies; he knows already what it's like to lose the memory of someone dear to him. when his memories of xion faded so suddenly, when he'd been watching as she returned to sora without even knowing who she was...
there was still something in him that felt the pain of losing her, there was still something there to remind him of what was important. and when those memories came back way too late, he felt awful for forgetting his best friend. so he knows all too well the way she has to feel. maybe it's even worse than what he felt, because she has the heart to truly feel with.]
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And scary. Just recalling that confusing, fathomless emptiness, and the brief glimpses of hurt on her friends' faces-- it's enough to make a shudder run down from her shoulders to the tips of her toes. No, she definitely doesn't want to relive that again. ]
I think I'd panic more than you did, though. And I'd never want you to have to... lose something like that, anyway. It really is as scary as losing somebody.
[ And she'd told him before, hadn't she? That losing people frightened her more than anything. ]
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[he says those words quietly. he knows how scary it is; he knows how upset he was when those memories flooded back to him, and he knows how hard he's had to fight this whole time for those memories to not fade any further.
maybe cerealia's made him luck out in that it seems to negate the memories slipping further, and maybe it's partially because xion is here now, but it's not as if he can forget that drowning feeling of knowing there are important things to remember that he just... can't.
hasn't that been most of his existence anyway?]
I know what it's like... to lose someone. And I know what it's like not to remember them, either.
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[ If her expression shows way too much surprise-- well, she is. She's pretty sure for the two months that she's known Roxas - and she'd met him when he'd first arrived, hadn't she? - that he hadn't ever seemed... forgetful. Or like he'd suddenly lost someone. But if he'd forgotten, maybe he wouldn't have felt the loss?
Or maybe this was something that had happened before?
Mary wants to ask, she really does, but their friendship hasn't come this far because they'd tried to pry into each other's lives. She meets his eyes uncertainly, but that's it. He can continue if he wants. If he doesn't... that's also fine. ]
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[it was a while ago now—or at least, it feels like that sometimes. over two months, and with how things go in cerealia, it's easy for it to feel like longer. but the pain of that time still sticks with him.
he elects not to say it's xion that he forgot. he's not ready to talk about that part yet, even if it comes up later in the conversation.]
So I know what it's like.
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I'm sorry. [ Maybe there was no point in saying that, but Mary truly feels an ache in her chest, like a more prolonged sting from how sharply she feels it. He shouldn't have had to feel that. And, almost like him, she's not entirely sure what would be a comforting gesture here. Tell him to eat his ice cream before it melted completely? Talk about it more?
She glances down at their hands, and squeezes his fingers, thumb passing over the back of his hand. Maybe it's just that, letting him know she's here too. ]
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[and he is. xion's here now, and he does remember much of what he'd forgotten, so... it's okay. this shouldn't even be about him anyway, when mary was the one who was having such a hard time with things.
so he offers her a small smile.]
We both remember now, so... it's okay. For the both of us.
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[ Easier said than done, and she doesn't look all that convinced, but... if there's a way, she'll look. ]
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[he'll try too, because he really doesn't want mary to have to go through that again. after seeing her cry that way just a few minutes ago... he doesn't want to see anything happen that will make her react like that. it makes his chest hurt in a way he's not sure he'd ever be able to put into words.]
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It... definitely was. It all kind of feels like a bad dream, except at the time, I didn't even know how bad it was.
[ Mary. Don't squeeze his hand too tightly, you should probably let go now. ]
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[he doesn't seem to mind, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze in return. it's the least he can do—maybe it's all he can do. but it seems like she needs it, so he won't make the motion to let go until she's ready.]
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... I don't think I remember how not to worry right now.
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it's a rare occurrence for roxas to forget about ice cream when it's in his hands, but his concern for mary somehow completely trumped that. before he takes a bite from his, he reiterates a point he'd started to make before.]
You don't have to worry. Everyone will just be relieved you're back to yourself now... I'm sure of it.
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I want to believe that. [ With every fiber of her being-- another bite, though. She's trying to eat it before it melts this time, at least, and she mumbles the next bit around the ice cream. ]
But I think Styx-san might actually hate me.
[ And that... that hurts. ]
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[he looks at her, puzzled as he pulls the ice cream away from his mouth. he doesn't know styx, or even who that is but... who could hate mary? like seriously, who could hate her?
he doesn't like the sound of this at all.]
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He told me I was a medusa, and when I asked what that was, he said... a 'horrifying monster. A terrifying beast'.
And I... didn't know he thought that way about me.
[ It hurts much more now that she remembers never wanting to be a monster, the discrimination she'd faced, and that Styx had understood her, being different-- she'd thought. ]
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[roxas tenses almost immediately—who would say something like that to her? mary struggled so much with the idea of being a monster, something she absolutely wasn't, medusa or not.
it makes him angry to think about. even if she couldn't remember at the time, even if it wasn't hurtful then... didn't this person think about how she'd feel when she remembered? who would want to be called those things. a horrifying monster? a terrifying beast?
he clenches his jaw tightly.]
You're not either of those things. Not at all.
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[ But she was. Medusae were terrifying snake monsters, who could shatter a human with a single glance. Even Mary herself had been scared, hearing what her family could do, what she was capable of.
Her friends, both in her world and here, had accepted her, though. Even if she wasn't human. Even if they had seen what she could do. Even if she still wakes up, drenched in cold sweat and shivering out a scream, because there had been dead bodies at her feet and she had known it was because of what she was. It had been her fault.
The renewed burn behind her eyelids makes her lift her free hand, rubbing somewhat viciously at her eyes. No, she doesn't want to cry again. ]
... I j-just want to be Mary. To you, to everyone else. B-but if I tell him that, and he calls me a beast again, I...
[ She couldn't take that. ]
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