Yeah. Some things happened back then... and I forgot someone important to me.
[it was a while ago now—or at least, it feels like that sometimes. over two months, and with how things go in cerealia, it's easy for it to feel like longer. but the pain of that time still sticks with him.
he elects not to say it's xion that he forgot. he's not ready to talk about that part yet, even if it comes up later in the conversation.]
[ She didn't want him to know what it was like, honestly. Sharing experiences and achieving an understanding with friends... that sort of thing was important, but knowing that Roxas had felt the same bewildered pain that she had felt? ]
I'm sorry. [ Maybe there was no point in saying that, but Mary truly feels an ache in her chest, like a more prolonged sting from how sharply she feels it. He shouldn't have had to feel that. And, almost like him, she's not entirely sure what would be a comforting gesture here. Tell him to eat his ice cream before it melted completely? Talk about it more?
She glances down at their hands, and squeezes his fingers, thumb passing over the back of his hand. Maybe it's just that, letting him know she's here too. ]
[and he is. xion's here now, and he does remember much of what he'd forgotten, so... it's okay. this shouldn't even be about him anyway, when mary was the one who was having such a hard time with things.
so he offers her a small smile.]
We both remember now, so... it's okay. For the both of us.
[he'll try too, because he really doesn't want mary to have to go through that again. after seeing her cry that way just a few minutes ago... he doesn't want to see anything happen that will make her react like that. it makes his chest hurt in a way he's not sure he'd ever be able to put into words.]
Yeah... I guess that's exactly what it's like. But it's over now so... try not to worry about it too much.
[he doesn't seem to mind, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze in return. it's the least he can do—maybe it's all he can do. but it seems like she needs it, so he won't make the motion to let go until she's ready.]
[ She might not be ready for a good few hours, if the ball's left in her court. But first, the ice cream she's finally remembering to eat, heaving a sigh that's much too large for something who is not so large at all. ]
... I don't think I remember how not to worry right now.
it's a rare occurrence for roxas to forget about ice cream when it's in his hands, but his concern for mary somehow completely trumped that. before he takes a bite from his, he reiterates a point he'd started to make before.]
You don't have to worry. Everyone will just be relieved you're back to yourself now... I'm sure of it.
[ Roxas... don't forget your ice cream, you're going to make Mary even more concerned. ]
I want to believe that. [ With every fiber of her being-- another bite, though. She's trying to eat it before it melts this time, at least, and she mumbles the next bit around the ice cream. ]
[he looks at her, puzzled as he pulls the ice cream away from his mouth. he doesn't know styx, or even who that is but... who could hate mary? like seriously, who could hate her?
... [ Give her a minute to finish this melting misery of an ice cream bar before she clears her throat and shifts, a bit uncomfortably. ]
He told me I was a medusa, and when I asked what that was, he said... a 'horrifying monster. A terrifying beast'.
And I... didn't know he thought that way about me.
[ It hurts much more now that she remembers never wanting to be a monster, the discrimination she'd faced, and that Styx had understood her, being different-- she'd thought. ]
[roxas tenses almost immediately—who would say something like that to her? mary struggled so much with the idea of being a monster, something she absolutely wasn't, medusa or not.
it makes him angry to think about. even if she couldn't remember at the time, even if it wasn't hurtful then... didn't this person think about how she'd feel when she remembered? who would want to be called those things. a horrifying monster? a terrifying beast?
There were so many years where I thought I was... I mean, that had to be the reason, right? That I couldn't go outside, that I lost my mother... that even if I didn't want to be--
[ But she was. Medusae were terrifying snake monsters, who could shatter a human with a single glance. Even Mary herself had been scared, hearing what her family could do, what she was capable of.
Her friends, both in her world and here, had accepted her, though. Even if she wasn't human. Even if they had seen what she could do. Even if she still wakes up, drenched in cold sweat and shivering out a scream, because there had been dead bodies at her feet and she had known it was because of what she was. It had been her fault.
The renewed burn behind her eyelids makes her lift her free hand, rubbing somewhat viciously at her eyes. No, she doesn't want to cry again. ]
... I j-just want to be Mary. To you, to everyone else. B-but if I tell him that, and he calls me a beast again, I...
You're you. No matter what anyone else tells you, okay?
[he's trying to so hard to hold back how angry he is about it. it lights a fury in him, because mary is one of the nicest, mostly gentle and genuine people he's ever met. and maybe something about her ability could be considered monstrous; maybe somewhere, in some world, medusae are terrible creatures that need to be stopped.
but not mary.
definitely not mary, who tries so hard to just be. she wants to be herself, just a girl... it's something roxas actually can understand in a way that maybe others couldn't. but because of that, he feels so much more strongly about the idea of someone testing her identity like that. whoever this guy is, if roxas runs into him? it's gonna be bad news. he kind of wants to seek him out just to give him a piece of his mind.
he can't do that though, not right now. because he can't leave mary alone like this. he doesn't know how to bring her comfort, or how to assure her.]
Don't listen to them... to anyone who says you're not. You're Mary, you're not a monster, or a beast.
[ He may not know how to comfort her, or how to soothe the turmoil that rises up without warning, so thick and painful she thinks she could choke on it. But he's here. He's here, and his hand is still clutching hers, and even if he's said it before... even if he shouldn't have to say it again-- the way he says it, with fierce conviction, like there's no room for argument, is what helps her.
He... seems angry. Is it her imagination? She can't remember seeing Roxas like this before. Worried, yes. Serious, in a battle. But not like this.
She scrubs at her eyes one last time, blinks back the tears, because no. He doesn't need to see her cry any more today. She really has worried him, more than enough. ]
Roxas... [ It's all she says, somewhat helplessly, because there really are no words to express everything she wants to say. She'd just stumble over them anyway.
[he draws in a quiet breath; he's definitely still angry. but because he can't just leave her here to seek out the person that would call her a monster and say things that so deliberately would hurt her... he has to calm down.
it's hard though, because roxas isn't good at holding back what he feels.
it'd upset her to let that show too much though, right? he can handle figuring out the rest of it on his own time. so he doesn't say anything for now, just giving her hand another reassuring squeeze. he's pretty sure this is all he even can do, anyway. he's so far out of his league when it comes to dealing with other people's emotions. he's ill-equipped for it in every regard, so what little he does now has to suffice.]
[ It takes several quietly deep breaths to ease that heavy urge to cry out of her body, and with every inhale comes the memory of a promise-- the exhale, their linked pinkies. He'd been with her for each and every one of those promises, and the gentle pressure against her fingers is a firm reminder: she's not alone.
Right now, with Roxas, she can be Mary without having to try. ]
... [ One more breath, and she squeezes back, offering him a tremulous smile. ]
[it eases his tension a bit to see her smile—it's the kind of smile that doesn't come off as being forced, even if there's some emotion there that roxas can't quite place.]
I was just telling the truth... the way I see it. [what he feels. but it's hard for him to say that right now, because it brings up those existential thoughts about what he does and doesn't feel. or what it even means. he does feel strongly in that way, that what he says is the truth... and that whatever styx said to hurt her like this.
it's complicated, but isn't everything? if she can be even a little better and feel a little better, then... he's done okay as her friend, right? that's what he thinks is important for himself here.]
People might see things differently from you. [ No, they definitely would. Her first and second encounters with humans had shown her that much. Not all people viewed things the same way, and it was why she had been extremely hesitant to explain to anyone what she was.
It's okay now, though. She lowers her eyes to their hands, pensive; maybe she ought to let go, but truthfully, she doesn't want to. This is the most secure she's felt in days. It's a thought that strengthens her smile, even if it trembles, falters slightly at the edges, because she's still so worn down from everything. Crying hadn't really helped, either.
But it really is okay, right now. ]
... But I think I like the way you see me the best.
I just... don't think there's another way to look at it. You're you. What else would you be?
[it's a very simplistic way of stating that even if those things are part of her, they don't really define her. but roxas doesn't really have the right words to convey that though. he's trying but... he comes up a bit short.
it feels like she's trying, too. he doesn't quite catch the way she looks at their hands—honestly, he's not even thinking about the fact that he's still holding it at this point. it's a gesture meant to help her, so until she feels okay... he's not even really considering it. oops.]
[ The monster that lives in the forest. The biggest one, and for a moment, she can recall a very faint voice, one she can't quite recognize, hissing queen... but it makes something twist tightly in her chest, until she presses her palm there to quiet it.
For as much as she'd hated losing her memories, some things are better left discarded in nightmares. ]
It just seems like... no, people haven't gotten that before. I've been really lucky here.
So when you say things like that, it makes me really happy.
[ Tired or not, sad or not, there's genuine happiness warming her from his acknowledgment. ]
[at least, he thinks so. but he's not really sure where to go from here, honestly. he's so bad at this.] You should get to be happy, even if things are tough here sometimes.
[it's simple in some ways. she doesn't really need to know right now just how messed up he is, and how every day is kind of an existential crisis for him.]
Make sure you tell them that, okay? I mean... I don't mind hearing it, but you have a lot of friends. [or at least more than he does, which automatically qualifies as "a lot" to this kid.]
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coexistent) wrote2015-07-03 05:05 pm
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[it was a while ago now—or at least, it feels like that sometimes. over two months, and with how things go in cerealia, it's easy for it to feel like longer. but the pain of that time still sticks with him.
he elects not to say it's xion that he forgot. he's not ready to talk about that part yet, even if it comes up later in the conversation.]
So I know what it's like.
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I'm sorry. [ Maybe there was no point in saying that, but Mary truly feels an ache in her chest, like a more prolonged sting from how sharply she feels it. He shouldn't have had to feel that. And, almost like him, she's not entirely sure what would be a comforting gesture here. Tell him to eat his ice cream before it melted completely? Talk about it more?
She glances down at their hands, and squeezes his fingers, thumb passing over the back of his hand. Maybe it's just that, letting him know she's here too. ]
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[and he is. xion's here now, and he does remember much of what he'd forgotten, so... it's okay. this shouldn't even be about him anyway, when mary was the one who was having such a hard time with things.
so he offers her a small smile.]
We both remember now, so... it's okay. For the both of us.
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[ Easier said than done, and she doesn't look all that convinced, but... if there's a way, she'll look. ]
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[he'll try too, because he really doesn't want mary to have to go through that again. after seeing her cry that way just a few minutes ago... he doesn't want to see anything happen that will make her react like that. it makes his chest hurt in a way he's not sure he'd ever be able to put into words.]
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It... definitely was. It all kind of feels like a bad dream, except at the time, I didn't even know how bad it was.
[ Mary. Don't squeeze his hand too tightly, you should probably let go now. ]
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[he doesn't seem to mind, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze in return. it's the least he can do—maybe it's all he can do. but it seems like she needs it, so he won't make the motion to let go until she's ready.]
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... I don't think I remember how not to worry right now.
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it's a rare occurrence for roxas to forget about ice cream when it's in his hands, but his concern for mary somehow completely trumped that. before he takes a bite from his, he reiterates a point he'd started to make before.]
You don't have to worry. Everyone will just be relieved you're back to yourself now... I'm sure of it.
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I want to believe that. [ With every fiber of her being-- another bite, though. She's trying to eat it before it melts this time, at least, and she mumbles the next bit around the ice cream. ]
But I think Styx-san might actually hate me.
[ And that... that hurts. ]
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[he looks at her, puzzled as he pulls the ice cream away from his mouth. he doesn't know styx, or even who that is but... who could hate mary? like seriously, who could hate her?
he doesn't like the sound of this at all.]
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He told me I was a medusa, and when I asked what that was, he said... a 'horrifying monster. A terrifying beast'.
And I... didn't know he thought that way about me.
[ It hurts much more now that she remembers never wanting to be a monster, the discrimination she'd faced, and that Styx had understood her, being different-- she'd thought. ]
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[roxas tenses almost immediately—who would say something like that to her? mary struggled so much with the idea of being a monster, something she absolutely wasn't, medusa or not.
it makes him angry to think about. even if she couldn't remember at the time, even if it wasn't hurtful then... didn't this person think about how she'd feel when she remembered? who would want to be called those things. a horrifying monster? a terrifying beast?
he clenches his jaw tightly.]
You're not either of those things. Not at all.
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[ But she was. Medusae were terrifying snake monsters, who could shatter a human with a single glance. Even Mary herself had been scared, hearing what her family could do, what she was capable of.
Her friends, both in her world and here, had accepted her, though. Even if she wasn't human. Even if they had seen what she could do. Even if she still wakes up, drenched in cold sweat and shivering out a scream, because there had been dead bodies at her feet and she had known it was because of what she was. It had been her fault.
The renewed burn behind her eyelids makes her lift her free hand, rubbing somewhat viciously at her eyes. No, she doesn't want to cry again. ]
... I j-just want to be Mary. To you, to everyone else. B-but if I tell him that, and he calls me a beast again, I...
[ She couldn't take that. ]
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[he's trying to so hard to hold back how angry he is about it. it lights a fury in him, because mary is one of the nicest, mostly gentle and genuine people he's ever met. and maybe something about her ability could be considered monstrous; maybe somewhere, in some world, medusae are terrible creatures that need to be stopped.
but not mary.
definitely not mary, who tries so hard to just be. she wants to be herself, just a girl... it's something roxas actually can understand in a way that maybe others couldn't. but because of that, he feels so much more strongly about the idea of someone testing her identity like that. whoever this guy is, if roxas runs into him? it's gonna be bad news. he kind of wants to seek him out just to give him a piece of his mind.
he can't do that though, not right now. because he can't leave mary alone like this. he doesn't know how to bring her comfort, or how to assure her.]
Don't listen to them... to anyone who says you're not. You're Mary, you're not a monster, or a beast.
[he's so mad. he's so mad.]
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He... seems angry. Is it her imagination? She can't remember seeing Roxas like this before. Worried, yes. Serious, in a battle. But not like this.
She scrubs at her eyes one last time, blinks back the tears, because no. He doesn't need to see her cry any more today. She really has worried him, more than enough. ]
Roxas... [ It's all she says, somewhat helplessly, because there really are no words to express everything she wants to say. She'd just stumble over them anyway.
Thank you for always seeing me as me.
Thank you for caring.
Thank you for just... being. ]
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it's hard though, because roxas isn't good at holding back what he feels.
it'd upset her to let that show too much though, right? he can handle figuring out the rest of it on his own time. so he doesn't say anything for now, just giving her hand another reassuring squeeze. he's pretty sure this is all he even can do, anyway. he's so far out of his league when it comes to dealing with other people's emotions. he's ill-equipped for it in every regard, so what little he does now has to suffice.]
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Right now, with Roxas, she can be Mary without having to try. ]
... [ One more breath, and she squeezes back, offering him a tremulous smile. ]
Thank you.
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I was just telling the truth... the way I see it. [what he feels. but it's hard for him to say that right now, because it brings up those existential thoughts about what he does and doesn't feel. or what it even means. he does feel strongly in that way, that what he says is the truth... and that whatever styx said to hurt her like this.
it's complicated, but isn't everything? if she can be even a little better and feel a little better, then... he's done okay as her friend, right? that's what he thinks is important for himself here.]
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It's okay now, though. She lowers her eyes to their hands, pensive; maybe she ought to let go, but truthfully, she doesn't want to. This is the most secure she's felt in days. It's a thought that strengthens her smile, even if it trembles, falters slightly at the edges, because she's still so worn down from everything. Crying hadn't really helped, either.
But it really is okay, right now. ]
... But I think I like the way you see me the best.
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[it's a very simplistic way of stating that even if those things are part of her, they don't really define her. but roxas doesn't really have the right words to convey that though. he's trying but... he comes up a bit short.
it feels like she's trying, too. he doesn't quite catch the way she looks at their hands—honestly, he's not even thinking about the fact that he's still holding it at this point. it's a gesture meant to help her, so until she feels okay... he's not even really considering it. oops.]
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For as much as she'd hated losing her memories, some things are better left discarded in nightmares. ]
It just seems like... no, people haven't gotten that before. I've been really lucky here.
So when you say things like that, it makes me really happy.
[ Tired or not, sad or not, there's genuine happiness warming her from his acknowledgment. ]
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[at least, he thinks so. but he's not really sure where to go from here, honestly. he's so bad at this.] You should get to be happy, even if things are tough here sometimes.
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[ Even if for Roxas, it really only seems to take ice cream. ]
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Make sure you tell them that, okay? I mean... I don't mind hearing it, but you have a lot of friends. [or at least more than he does, which automatically qualifies as "a lot" to this kid.]
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