[ His smile makes her relax a little bit, and she moves over to the bed to sit on the edge. ]
Do you think we could talk for a little while? [ Her smile turns a little concerned. ] There's something that's been bothering me. I think you're the only person that could understand.
[there's not even a question in his mind about how to answer something like that. they're best friends, after all—he's here whenever she needs an ear. roxas would rather that than her trying to hide things again.
so he's quick to set his cerevice down next to him and give xion his full attention.] Something... bothering you? Did something happen?
[he really doesn't. he can't say yes or no, all he can say is what he knows.]
Xaldin told me that love was something we couldn't do. Axel said "you need a heart," too. They both said it's something we can't understand... because we're Nobodies. [so he's inclined to think that it's true, because... despite every lie that came from the organization, he trusted axel on that much. they were "what's left." they didn't have hearts.
roxas can't even understand what love is supposed to be.] I don't ... really get it. What love is supposed to be like, so. I dunno... do you think if we could, we'd understand what it feels like?
[ Her voice is subdued, and a little sad. Like that was the answer she expected to hear. At the same time... ]
There is something I do know, though. [ Xion lifts her head and looks at Roxas dead on, the set of her expression a little stubborn. ] I love you, Roxas. I loved Axel, too. Not in the same way I'm talking about right now, of course. [ She looks away again, her expression softening. ] I know Saix would have laughed at me for saying something like that. Said something like ... I was just deceiving myself, believing in memories that weren't mine. But all those memories the three of us made up on the clock tower together... those were real, and they were mine. And the times we spent together, the things they made me feel... if those could be real, then maybe...
[ Xion pauses again, her expression dissolving back into something troubled. ]
... that's where I lose the thread of it, I guess.
[when xion says that, roxas is quick to look down. she loves him? she loves axel?
...how can she know that? it's a thought he can't even process, because he just doesn't know what love is supposed to feel like. if she knows that, then... why would she be able to ask about any other king of love?
xaldin said it was a power, but that is never lasts. mary said true love never dies. the manga that mary gave him said so many things about feelings that he just can't understand.]
Those memories are important to me. They're... the most important to me. [he treasures them, and regardless of what feelings may mean... he doesn't know how how to equate them to love. and he has no idea how she can do the same thing. love is an enigma to him.
he wants to know what it means, but... he just doesn't get it.]
But I don't know if that's love. And I don't know... if that means anything else. If we need hearts to love, and we don't have hearts...
Then I just don't know. [he pauses; he feels bad because he wants to believe it's possible, but even if it was... would they know? he's not sure.] Sorry. I'm not much help at all.
[ Does she know it for sure? It's ... more like a conviction. Something that made her chest squeeze. It was a private thought, something that powered her when she made the final decision to desert and go on what she thought would be her final quest... before Axel caught up to her, before Xemnas corrupted her, before everything went so wrong... on the day of the last perfect sunset they shared.
It wasn't a thought she'd shared with either of them, because... would they have believed her? Something about Roxas's silence, the way he looks down, and his reply...
Xion hoods her eyes. She also does something he might find strange. She scoots over so she can lean against him, shoulder to shoulder. It's a barely there contact, just a little. But she's learned a lot about hugs, and holding hands, and the power of all kinds of touches... and she thinks they could be important with Roxas, too. They'd sometimes bump shoulders when all three of them were horsing around and laughing... but this is a little different. She wants a connection... ]
If that's not love... then what is?
[ Of course, the question that hangs between them is the one she raised: will they ever know? She sighs. ]
No, don't be sorry. I do have a reason for asking. [ Xion shifts, uncomfortably. ]
I found out... at least... I'm pretty sure there's a boy that likes me. And... [ She gestures as if to encapsulate everything they've both just said. ] I'm not sure what to do.
[if anything right now, roxas feels like so much of this is just going over his head. a boy that likes her?
sure, he gets the basic meaning of it; the shoujo manga did teach him a little bit, as did some of the movies and tv shows he casually watches sometimes. but it's one of those things he isn't sure he can connect with—the explanations are always so grand and so vague that roxas doesn't have any comparable idea of what it means. what that feels like...
for all the feelings roxas has experienced, and truly believes he's felt, he's not sure he can place romantic feelings or love as part of them. he likes his friends, of course he does. all of his friends are precious and dear to him... but he doesn't think any of them give him the feelings that everyone describes as being love. something powerful, something life changing? something that makes people's cheeks and ears turn red... and that "doki doki" thing with their chests.]
I... don't know either. There probably isn't an easy answer, either... [he sighs quietly. he wishes he could help, or give xion a better answer.
it's like he's letting her down by giving a non-answer like that, but he's trying to be honest about it.]
I think... it might hurt that boy a lot if he felt that way and you couldn't do the same, though. [even in manga, when the feelings weren't mutual, someone got hurt. and all of those people had hearts.]
It feels unfair. [to both the other person, who would get hurt... and to them, who can't necessarily understand the situation.]
Axel would probably have the answer, but I don't know if that's good, either. He seemed so sure when I asked... when he said you needed a heart to do that. I'm not sure Axel understood what love really was either. [though... it's axel, so maybe he'd lied about that. maybe he loved someone when he was human? it's a mystery.] Having a heart... it would be a lot easier to figure this out if we had them.
[ It does feel unfair. And the consternation of it wells up in Xion's chest as she leans against him, frowning sharply at her lap.
"What do we need hearts for?"
Now more than ever she feels that question so keenly. If she can love... if they can feel pain, and anger, and confusion... if they can want things... why do they need hearts in the first place? Was that... just another scam? More wool that Xemnas pulled over their eyes, to try to get them to obey? Could they just be... holding themselves back? Or is she just telling herself this now because she wants to be human? ]
Maybe Axel was wrong. [ She sounds stubborn, and wounded, and tired. ] Maybe Xemnas was wrong too. They didn't always have all the answers. [ When Xion looks up at Roxas, there's fire in her eyes, and she takes one of his hands. ]
Roxas... I don't know if we'll ever get hearts. But maybe... we need to stop waiting.
[ This isn't about Dipper anymore. This is about It feels unfair. ]
Do you think Riku is wrong too? You were quick to side with him before, and... I'm pretty sure he knew it was the same way this whole time.
[there's something almost... hurtful in the way she calls them wrong. it's not like he likes it—there's little he hates more than the idea of being some kid without a heart, some kid who isn't even supposed to exist. but can they really just make that kind of decision?
they can't just.. decide. they can't decide that everyone else who is older and more experienced is wrong (even if he can't trust xemnas' intentions). but this kind of makes him angry.]
...Riku told me something about Xemnas that... makes me believe they're not wrong. [his tone gets a little harsher—there's no doubt that the anger that roxas has been trying to let go of while he's helpless to get the answers he's looking for hasn't left. it's been suppressed, but nothing for him has ever been resolved. roxas has no closure on things.]
It's not... it's not like I want to wait either. But what are we supposed to do? We can't just... take any heart. We can't take people's hearts at all. There's no Heartless. There's no Kingdom Hearts...
I hate it too. I want answers. But what are we supposed to do, Xion? [there's a chance that the situation with mary has escalated this a bit too. he's been struggling for the better part of three months with things trying to understand her, and understand the things that he simply can't without a heart.
but he still feels things, doesn't he? what does it mean? what does it mean to feel things without a heart?
it's frustrating. it's frustrating, and now he's just getting mad about it.]
[ Xion sits up straight, offended and angry now herself. ] Don't bring Riku into this! That's different!
[ Of course it was different. She knew so little then. At least, that's what it feels like. It feels like twisting the knife to bring Riku into a conversation that should be about the two of them, anyway, and her hurt anger is on her face. ]
And what makes you think I want to take someone's heart?! That's an awful thing to think! I don't want to take anyone's hearts! Why do you think I said to set Kingdom Hearts free?! [ That's an unfair thing to bring up, too, but now she's not thinking, just lashing out instead. ] All I'm saying is, why do we need hearts if we already feel things?! I know what I feel, Roxas! No one can take that away from me! Not Axel, or Saix, or Xemnas! Or you! Maybe you can all think I'm some silly, stupid little Replica for that, but that doesn't change how I feel!
[ She stands up, pacing away from his bed, her head bowed. ]
... I don't know what we're supposed to do. I'm just tired of waiting for answers we're never going to get.
If you know what you feel, then why are you asking me? I can't know what you feel... I don't even know what I feel.
[he can't even fight the rest. it's too ridiculous to him to argue back every point when he's this angry. what else was he supposed to think when she's talking about hearts? this is all they've ever been taught. collect hearts. complete kingdom hearts.
maybe even freeing it to get their own hearts. he doesn't know. and the fact she brings up being a replica makes him even more angry, since the insinuation is just completely off-base. and xion should know that, considering he's never once even acknowledged her as anything but a friend and a fellow nobody. it's insulting. they're supposed to be best friends, and she's saying that?
naturally, it launches roxas into that rage-fueled side of him that doesn't do a single thing rationally, so he stands up—completely tense and seething with anger from her words... and opens up a corridor.]
Why don't you just go use your feelings to find your answers then? Since you know so much about them! [this solves nothing.
this solves absolutely nothing, and while he's going to be riddled with regret and brooding about this for a long time. but for now, he's too angry, so he'll just disappear into the corridor to who-knows-where.
it's likely he'll just sit somewhere and try to figure out what the hell just happened, though part of him wants to go somewhere—anywhere—just to hit something. he's angry, he's hurt, and he's confused... but he doesn't think he can even keep looking at xion right now after the words they've exchanged.]
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coexistent) wrote2015-07-03 05:05 pm
no subject
Do you think we could talk for a little while? [ Her smile turns a little concerned. ] There's something that's been bothering me. I think you're the only person that could understand.
no subject
[there's not even a question in his mind about how to answer something like that. they're best friends, after all—he's here whenever she needs an ear. roxas would rather that than her trying to hide things again.
so he's quick to set his cerevice down next to him and give xion his full attention.] Something... bothering you? Did something happen?
[tell him more, please!!]
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[ Xion curls her fingers in his bed spread, ducking her chin and looking thoughtful. ]
Roxas... do you think people like us ... are capable of loving other people? In ... in a romantic way? Is that something... we can even do?
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[he really doesn't. he can't say yes or no, all he can say is what he knows.]
Xaldin told me that love was something we couldn't do. Axel said "you need a heart," too. They both said it's something we can't understand... because we're Nobodies. [so he's inclined to think that it's true, because... despite every lie that came from the organization, he trusted axel on that much. they were "what's left." they didn't have hearts.
roxas can't even understand what love is supposed to be.] I don't ... really get it. What love is supposed to be like, so. I dunno... do you think if we could, we'd understand what it feels like?
no subject
[ Her voice is subdued, and a little sad. Like that was the answer she expected to hear. At the same time... ]
There is something I do know, though. [ Xion lifts her head and looks at Roxas dead on, the set of her expression a little stubborn. ] I love you, Roxas. I loved Axel, too. Not in the same way I'm talking about right now, of course. [ She looks away again, her expression softening. ] I know Saix would have laughed at me for saying something like that. Said something like ... I was just deceiving myself, believing in memories that weren't mine. But all those memories the three of us made up on the clock tower together... those were real, and they were mine. And the times we spent together, the things they made me feel... if those could be real, then maybe...
[ Xion pauses again, her expression dissolving back into something troubled. ]
... that's where I lose the thread of it, I guess.
no subject
...how can she know that? it's a thought he can't even process, because he just doesn't know what love is supposed to feel like. if she knows that, then... why would she be able to ask about any other king of love?
xaldin said it was a power, but that is never lasts. mary said true love never dies. the manga that mary gave him said so many things about feelings that he just can't understand.]
Those memories are important to me. They're... the most important to me. [he treasures them, and regardless of what feelings may mean... he doesn't know how how to equate them to love. and he has no idea how she can do the same thing. love is an enigma to him.
he wants to know what it means, but... he just doesn't get it.]
But I don't know if that's love. And I don't know... if that means anything else. If we need hearts to love, and we don't have hearts...
Then I just don't know. [he pauses; he feels bad because he wants to believe it's possible, but even if it was... would they know? he's not sure.] Sorry. I'm not much help at all.
no subject
It wasn't a thought she'd shared with either of them, because... would they have believed her? Something about Roxas's silence, the way he looks down, and his reply...
Xion hoods her eyes. She also does something he might find strange. She scoots over so she can lean against him, shoulder to shoulder. It's a barely there contact, just a little. But she's learned a lot about hugs, and holding hands, and the power of all kinds of touches... and she thinks they could be important with Roxas, too. They'd sometimes bump shoulders when all three of them were horsing around and laughing... but this is a little different. She wants a connection... ]
If that's not love... then what is?
[ Of course, the question that hangs between them is the one she raised: will they ever know? She sighs. ]
No, don't be sorry. I do have a reason for asking. [ Xion shifts, uncomfortably. ]
I found out... at least... I'm pretty sure there's a boy that likes me. And... [ She gestures as if to encapsulate everything they've both just said. ] I'm not sure what to do.
no subject
sure, he gets the basic meaning of it; the shoujo manga did teach him a little bit, as did some of the movies and tv shows he casually watches sometimes. but it's one of those things he isn't sure he can connect with—the explanations are always so grand and so vague that roxas doesn't have any comparable idea of what it means. what that feels like...
for all the feelings roxas has experienced, and truly believes he's felt, he's not sure he can place romantic feelings or love as part of them. he likes his friends, of course he does. all of his friends are precious and dear to him... but he doesn't think any of them give him the feelings that everyone describes as being love. something powerful, something life changing? something that makes people's cheeks and ears turn red... and that "doki doki" thing with their chests.]
I... don't know either. There probably isn't an easy answer, either... [he sighs quietly. he wishes he could help, or give xion a better answer.
it's like he's letting her down by giving a non-answer like that, but he's trying to be honest about it.]
I think... it might hurt that boy a lot if he felt that way and you couldn't do the same, though. [even in manga, when the feelings weren't mutual, someone got hurt. and all of those people had hearts.]
It feels unfair. [to both the other person, who would get hurt... and to them, who can't necessarily understand the situation.]
Axel would probably have the answer, but I don't know if that's good, either. He seemed so sure when I asked... when he said you needed a heart to do that. I'm not sure Axel understood what love really was either. [though... it's axel, so maybe he'd lied about that. maybe he loved someone when he was human? it's a mystery.] Having a heart... it would be a lot easier to figure this out if we had them.
no subject
[ It does feel unfair. And the consternation of it wells up in Xion's chest as she leans against him, frowning sharply at her lap.
"What do we need hearts for?"
Now more than ever she feels that question so keenly. If she can love... if they can feel pain, and anger, and confusion... if they can want things... why do they need hearts in the first place? Was that... just another scam? More wool that Xemnas pulled over their eyes, to try to get them to obey? Could they just be... holding themselves back? Or is she just telling herself this now because she wants to be human? ]
Maybe Axel was wrong. [ She sounds stubborn, and wounded, and tired. ] Maybe Xemnas was wrong too. They didn't always have all the answers. [ When Xion looks up at Roxas, there's fire in her eyes, and she takes one of his hands. ]
Roxas... I don't know if we'll ever get hearts. But maybe... we need to stop waiting.
[ This isn't about Dipper anymore. This is about It feels unfair. ]
no subject
[there's something almost... hurtful in the way she calls them wrong. it's not like he likes it—there's little he hates more than the idea of being some kid without a heart, some kid who isn't even supposed to exist. but can they really just make that kind of decision?
they can't just.. decide. they can't decide that everyone else who is older and more experienced is wrong (even if he can't trust xemnas' intentions). but this kind of makes him angry.]
...Riku told me something about Xemnas that... makes me believe they're not wrong. [his tone gets a little harsher—there's no doubt that the anger that roxas has been trying to let go of while he's helpless to get the answers he's looking for hasn't left. it's been suppressed, but nothing for him has ever been resolved. roxas has no closure on things.]
It's not... it's not like I want to wait either. But what are we supposed to do? We can't just... take any heart. We can't take people's hearts at all. There's no Heartless. There's no Kingdom Hearts...
I hate it too. I want answers. But what are we supposed to do, Xion? [there's a chance that the situation with mary has escalated this a bit too. he's been struggling for the better part of three months with things trying to understand her, and understand the things that he simply can't without a heart.
but he still feels things, doesn't he? what does it mean? what does it mean to feel things without a heart?
it's frustrating. it's frustrating, and now he's just getting mad about it.]
no subject
[ Xion sits up straight, offended and angry now herself. ] Don't bring Riku into this! That's different!
[ Of course it was different. She knew so little then. At least, that's what it feels like. It feels like twisting the knife to bring Riku into a conversation that should be about the two of them, anyway, and her hurt anger is on her face. ]
And what makes you think I want to take someone's heart?! That's an awful thing to think! I don't want to take anyone's hearts! Why do you think I said to set Kingdom Hearts free?! [ That's an unfair thing to bring up, too, but now she's not thinking, just lashing out instead. ] All I'm saying is, why do we need hearts if we already feel things?! I know what I feel, Roxas! No one can take that away from me! Not Axel, or Saix, or Xemnas! Or you! Maybe you can all think I'm some silly, stupid little Replica for that, but that doesn't change how I feel!
[ She stands up, pacing away from his bed, her head bowed. ]
... I don't know what we're supposed to do. I'm just tired of waiting for answers we're never going to get.
no subject
[he can't even fight the rest. it's too ridiculous to him to argue back every point when he's this angry. what else was he supposed to think when she's talking about hearts? this is all they've ever been taught. collect hearts. complete kingdom hearts.
maybe even freeing it to get their own hearts. he doesn't know. and the fact she brings up being a replica makes him even more angry, since the insinuation is just completely off-base. and xion should know that, considering he's never once even acknowledged her as anything but a friend and a fellow nobody. it's insulting. they're supposed to be best friends, and she's saying that?
naturally, it launches roxas into that rage-fueled side of him that doesn't do a single thing rationally, so he stands up—completely tense and seething with anger from her words... and opens up a corridor.]
Why don't you just go use your feelings to find your answers then? Since you know so much about them! [this solves nothing.
this solves absolutely nothing, and while he's going to be riddled with regret and brooding about this for a long time. but for now, he's too angry, so he'll just disappear into the corridor to who-knows-where.
it's likely he'll just sit somewhere and try to figure out what the hell just happened, though part of him wants to go somewhere—anywhere—just to hit something. he's angry, he's hurt, and he's confused... but he doesn't think he can even keep looking at xion right now after the words they've exchanged.]